The End of a Journey

It’s been a while since I’ve last written, so it’s likely that I’ve lost my touch. Well, I was never an aspiring writer anyway, but my writing used to get plenty of praise in class due to my skill in transforming my lack of vocabulary into a sharp, distinct voice.

I was branded as a foreigner wherever I went to, and I never felt any sense of belonging.

I’m currently on vacation back home for the last time. I guess the clichéd saying “Home is where the heart is” is quite true after all. I remember vividly that I had this existential crisis where I did not know where home was. I’m a Thailand born Taiwanese who grew up in Thailand, but barely spoke Thai. I was branded as a foreigner wherever I went to, and I never felt any sense of belonging.

I’ve been nothing but a letdown.

Four years ago, I left Thailand, to Taiwan, my “home country” to complete my college years after shining bright educationally during my high school years. Acknowledged by several teachers, I was on a path to success, supposedly. This was the biggest misstep of my life, and I knew it before I made it. The stupid, coward me didn’t have the guts to insist on what I wanted, and instead continued to walk this atrocious road that lead to nowhere. The socially awkward me who had little to no friends couldn’t make new ones, and I barely kept in contact with the few friends. The boy who hated his family because of several misunderstandings had nothing left going for him during his years “abroad”. My family reached out to me and tried to fix the broken relationship, and I embraced it. I learned to let go of the unjustified hatred, and admitted I was wrong this whole time. Yet it was too late. The relationship was fixed at a miraculous rate, yet the family shattered in an instant. I was finally left with absolutely nothing. The boy who could’ve been anything he wanted, became a man who despised himself. I have nothing but regrets. I hate myself more than anything. I’ve been nothing but a letdown.

Human relations, despite learning several useful tricks up the sleeve socially, is one thing I don’t understand, and I probably never will. I began to lose the idea of romance. I don’t even love myself, I fucking hate myself. I still feel the sexual desire, the lust, and also the loneliness. However, it would be selfish to have someone to be with me, just so I could feel a little better. I’m beyond hopeless, the only thing I am is a dead-weight. All I would do is drag people down to my level when they tried their best to cheer me up. Any single person would be better to hang around with than me. I don’t even love myself, of course I shouldn’t have the right to love any other. There is nothing I can bring to their lives except constant moping. I don’t have the right to be saved either.

I kept lies under several layer of lies to reveal subtle honesty.

Let’s be real, I’ve always been pessimistic. I had this arrogance edge to me to cover up my extreme lack of confidence. When things mattered the most, or when I have to be in crowds, I have this anxiety that boils up in me to my limbs. I was this competitive person who didn’t want to lose at anything, because I didn’t want to be a letdown, I didn’t want to feel useless. In the end, that is exactly what I am. Pretending changed nothing. I slowly became more honest with myself, in the most disgusting way. I mastered several socializing skills to hide away from others. Acting bright and cheery helps me elude from needless sympathy. Learning to speak and have people talk about themselves allowed me to hide my personal demons. I’ve always had been low-profile, well I guess I had no friends so I couldn’t stand out even if I begged for it. I’ve always been great at forging lies, and this took me to another level. I began hiding my thoughts behind a language barrier using a third language, Japanese, under the idea of sharing a song. I took lyrics out of context to hint my slowly crippling depression. Suicidal words mean absolutely nothing if they were spoken nonchalantly or sarcastically. Instead of arrogant, egotistical jokes, I became a master of self-deprecation and suicidal jokes. I kept lies under several layer of lies to reveal subtle honesty.

People would be better without me in the end. There is absolutely no reason a person should waste their time dragging a dead-weight. Just dispose of it and let it silently disappear in the abyss.